I still think about
this
and that
and the outline of your arms
and how they never officially got to encompass me.
I think of your smirk and your steady hands.
this is childish, I know
but I still picture you here
in the sun, boiling.
I needed your heat to burn my past
and ignite my bitter, cold insides.
It’s never right need someone for such tasks
I still think it’s for a good reason. Or maybe, I’m as much in over my head as I’ve always been.
and sometimes,
I wish you could have saved me more,
maybe completely.
Except you weren’t meant to be my hero.
I’m shutting down,
all the strength within my interior decays first,
like pebbles off a mountain.
Is it possible to stay still? It never seemed that way.
crumble crumble crumble
it piles up
till i’m finally degraded to nothingness.
I’m just a pebble flowing through a river, unable to stay still, slowly eroding to nothing.
I have all these words and I feel like I say too much.
they overflow in my mouth for you
and erupt like a volcano at all the wrong times,
burning us all with it’s lava coat.
I’m bright red and embarrassed.
The words spewed are branded upon your pale body and I see you cringe.
My legs are too short and I can’t walk as fast and as far as you want me to.
I can’t be what you want me to be.
I can’t save you.
It feels like this all was supposed to happen, it all pieces together like an old puzzle. But I see you floating around and I then become aware that I hate what never happened. I’ve been cut off from an entire different World, and I’m itching to go back and hear from you, and the excitements of your city.
I haven’t been able to write a word worth an ounce of meaning since you left. And it feels like that’s supposed to mean something, but I haven’t figured it out yet.
Somehow, I haven’t had much to write lately.
I’ll try to get something out tomorrow.
It’s strange not feeling negative emotions after speaking with you, because I always have before. I guess this means new, and I guess this means moving on. I can’t lie and say I’m not a little sad today. I don’t care. Today, I’m going to mourn for a relationship that didn’t work out. A love that unfortunately, had to forcefully die out. And tomorrow, I’m going to be back up on my feet, like it never happened, because that’s all there is left to do, now that everything is officially over.
Goodbye past, and hello present and future.
There is no more room for looking back.
I heard that you drank the juice of distortion
and that you’re all bent and contorted different ways than before.
your head is much bigger and
people don’t like it.
call it what you want,
but it’s not success,
my dear.
I guess you don’t remember,
when I told you to stay humble.
I remember every single feeling and emotion from back then.
I remember the way it felt
and the way I told myself I don’t ever want to feel it again,
when it was all over.
I remember the anticipation of a new beginning.
I remember the constant fear
of falling down.
like a kid, learning to ride a bike,
I was learning to get over everything that happened.
get up. fall down. try again.
get up. fall down. try again.
Eventually I was flying, I didn’t have to try.
Now there’s this thing eating at me to go back
and make things right
because they’re still so terribly wrong.
And the little kid, with the fear of falling is slipping back up
to the present.
